Here, what I promised: Insomnia.
I’ve finished my dinner and I’ve already washed my teeth. Now I am lying here in bed, with my body turned to my right side and all my body, except my head, covered with blankets. I’ve just prayed, as every night, and I check that everything is ok. All the lights are off and I can see only two little squares of light: the orange one, telling me were the light switch is, and the red one, of the mosquito’s device. The tic-tac of the clock never stops bothering and sometimes I hear a car passing by. I still can smell the burnt piece of bread of my sandwich.
Oh no! Now I am thinking of all these tiny details, I am analysing everything that surrounds me… that means that thoughts will start coming out and they won’t leave my mind until some hours later. It’s another night of insomnia.
The first thing that comes to my mind is that it’s late and I need to sleep because tomorrow I have to go to school and I need to be rested. But insomnia doesn’t care… when it gets in my room, is difficult to take it out; very difficult. And it seems that my door is always open, because it enters very often.
I think about what I have done today: my grandmothers, my godmother and a couple (friends of my parents) came home to eat a good barbecue. I remember the place where I was sitting, what we talked about, and I realize that I haven’t eaten much. At 5 p.m. I played tennis with 3 friends, and my team lost. After that we went to drink a Coke in the drugstore and then we made a volley match, which we won. Then good and bad times of all my life start appearing in front of me. It’s like I was living them again. And sometimes I change some little aspects of them as they take place in my mind.
While I hear howls and teros outside my window, my mind starts chasing death. Oh, I hate so much when that happens… I try to think of the happiest times I had, maybe a little event that made me so very happy. But it’s difficult to avoid that thought, that sense… The really fake photograph-images of my grandpas appear. Then a big black monster catches my grandmas... Whenever I think of this last idea, the lyrics of “Nan’s song”, from Robbie Williams, start singing in my mind. It reflects perfectly one of my grandmothers “with the blink of an eye…” and things like that. With great effort, relating one song with another, one singer with a band, I finally get out of death.
Tomorrow I have Philosophy! Oh no!! How I hate that subject… Have I finished my English homework? Yes I have. And Biology’s questions? Yes, all of them. Ok, now I can sleep without any worry. But now I am thinking on the career I want to study, that huge decision. Will it be suitable for me Architecture or Graphical Design? I also want to do a Photography Course… When should I do that? I must stop thinking now… I turn on the light and my eyes suffer. It feels as I was looking to the sun directly. I take my iPod out of the shelf and I choose those very soft songs. After some time, I realise that it’s worse. I sing and I think about all the memories that each song brings back. I will never sleep if I listen to music! What is more, music wakes me up. So I turn off the iPod and I pray again.
I am feeling very tired… after all that physical activity, how can I be still awake? I yawn… but I don’t fall asleep. Then many people come to my mind. People I miss, people I love, people I admire, and people I haven’t seen for ages. I think how I need this person, how I’d like to see this other, to hug, to talk to another one. And also when was the last time I saw someone. Death wants to appear again, it is pushing all the thoughts that are in the line, and wants to take action again… but I win this time. I think about my past, my present, my future. My plans, my dreams, fate, life and pain. It’s amazing how so much comes to my mind in such a short time. How ideas relate one to the other, how the net is made, and how my mind walks through all of them. A whole life represents in front of me, with images, sounds, smells, memories, they all move and act really well.
Oh, how I hate these insomnia nights. I will be sleepy tomorrow; I won’t pay attention in class… Wow! I’ve just got inspired. I know what to write about. So, just when I was insulting insomnia, inspiration knocked at my door. Now I have two visitors. I organize the idea in my head, turn the light on (it hurts again) and start to write in my notebook, where I have all my writings.
I finish that and I try to sleep again, unproductively. So I turn the lights on again and I continue the book I am reading. As most of my insomnia nights when I read, I finish the book. I have nothing else to do… If we were still on holidays I would go to the computer and spend a night without sleeping, as I did many times. But I need to sleep something. I have to go to school tomorrow. I want to stand up, jump, shout… but it’s the middle of the night and not only my family, but all the neighbourhood, is sleeping, even my cat! Now I want to play the guitar… I really want… but I can’t because of the same reason. I need to spend all the energy in something…
After having changed my position a thousand times, I feel hungry. I turn the lights on again and walk silently through the stairs. I eat a banana and drink a glass of water and go to my room again. Now that everything has passed through my head, I start to invent stories. I imagine me and someone else, all the dialogs, the things we do, what we say to each other, and I tell that person a lot. I choose a theme and start my redaction.
Slowly, my mind gets tired and the story turns boring. Then I don’t remember what I was telling to my “friend” and I start another topic. After many hours of insomnia, it decides to leave my room, and I fall asleep peacefully. But an hour or two later, the clock that had been bothering all night, starts to bother again.
My insomnia nights are like that. I think about everything. My first nights like that I used to get worried because of the time… but now I’ve learned that these nights are so productive! I reflect of lots of things I don’t have the time to in my daily life. I write, I read, and that is very good to me. I don’t want to suffer insomnia all the nights of my life, but once in a while is not that bad.
The phrase that inspired me to write about this topic in my fotolog is one from the song “Avanti Morocha” from “Caballeros de la Quema” which says: “Le converso a mi insomnio de vos…” I felt completely identified with it because that’s what I do! I chat, I don’t know if with my insomnia, with my bed, with the wall, with my teddy bear (which is a hippo) but I chat about “you” (referring to many people).
Then I was reading “Cartas para Claudia” from Jorge Bucay, and I read: “Es el sueño el que trae el cerrar los ojos, y no el cerrar los ojos el que trae el sueño”. That’s true!! Whenever I couldn’t sleep, and I told my mother, she would say: “Close your eyes and sleep will come”… What a lie!! I now perfectly know how it is…
The post about insomnia in my fotolog is in the archive of www.fotolog.com/vale_becker in the date 12/11/06.