There are several things that happened this week, all of them related to the same topic. I would like to share them, or at least to let them get out of my head and go somewhere else… I’ve written a part on Monday afternoon, another on Tuesday… I didn’t get the time to make a whole writing and post it. So, here I place the events chronologically and make a new and complete writing.
• Two weeks ago…
I read a great passage from Fahrenheit 451 that says:
“When I was a boy my grandfather died, and he was a sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give the world, and he helped clean up the slum in our town; and he made toys for us and he did a million things in his lifetime; he was always busy with his hands. And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn't crying for him at all, but for the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the back yard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them just the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I've never gotten over his death. Often I think, what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands. He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night he passed on.” (from Part III: Burning Bright)
I really liked it, I reread it, and I highlighted it. It is really good, tells the truth, and gives a good example… I think it illustrates exactly what happens in real life. I thought of it as a future event, that in one way or the other, would come.
• Last Friday… (May 11th)
After what happened, that sudden departure, I thought of the passage and I related it with the man that stole my thoughts for a while. I would miss all he won’t be doing now… (I won’t repeat concepts of my last entry, which was based in this extract too).
• Monday afternoon (at school)
We made the final analysis of Fahrenheit 451, Charlie read the same extract I transcribed above. The same one, from the same word until the same dot. I had read it two weeks ago and I had thought of it in one way. Then death appeared and I remembered the passage. But reading it again, with the paused tone in which Charlie read it, thinking of every single word, after that mentioned event, was completely different. I though of it in a different way, I thought of other things, other concepts, other memories and I related it with the present, not with a future event, as I did when I first read it. It has been a different perspective the one in which I saw the passage today, it was a different atmosphere, a different environment, a different cause. That rereading of the extract touched me. I found a new meaning to all those words I thought I had already figured out, I saw everything differently and I felt something different. I got really sensible in that moment I was about to break myself in tears, but I could domain my thoughts, eyes, inner desire. Yes, I had already read it, but reading it in this new situation was completely different, touching, moving, full of feelings and meaning.
• Monday afternoon (at home, night was falling down)
I did my tennis class as always from 6 pm to 7. Then I always rest a little while at home, change my t-shirt, and go to “physic” (physical activities) from 8 to 9. What I did last Monday was to turn my computer on, check e-mails and post something quickly, on my fotolog. I started thinking about HH and it really brought me down. I was feeling very tired because I had ate at school (for IB) and I had done that intense tennis class, so it was as everything suddenly showed up and brought me down. I told myself I was not going. When it was ten to eight I decided to go and disconnected the Internet. Three seconds later I connected it again and decided to stay. In that moment many things went through my head. I consider that I’ve psychologically auto-provided with suggestions I would give someone feeling what I was feeling. One of the things I thought of was the phrase by Oscar Wilde on his famous book ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ that says: ‘People are very fond of giving away advice they need themselves’. I thought about a lot of things in some seconds and I jumped up, disconnected the Internet, drunk a little pot of Bio milk in one swallow and in one second I was with my snickers on and riding my bike. The “physic class” was really great, as always, and I realized that doing physical activity really clears you up, makes you forget problems, makes you have a good time, enjoy. I suffer of physical pain, but I really love it! Obviously, it would be better not to feel pain at all, but when it is because I’ve been doing physical activity, I love it!! It had been a sudden feeling that had caught me before going out, and changing the atmosphere and doing what I know that I really like, changed everything.
• Tuesday morning
While the flag was being ran up, I saw new faces in the school, but they seemed so familiar to me… A second later I realized they were Horacio’s wife and daughters, and another little girl who turned to be his granddaughter.
Ricky, Lalo and the older daughter said some great words. I thought we would all be destroyed, crying, but it wasn’t like that! The effect that all their words created on me was happiness. The daughter’s speech was based on the idea that she never asked, angrily, why did he die. She said that in some way he knew that he was leaving, so he made a lot of farewells to his loved people and left them calm as he said that when he would leave, he would leave happy. All these three people did that morning was to talk about Horacio and all the good things he did, he taught, how happy he was. But what made me feel calm at last, was to hear that he was leaving happily. His job was done, he had lived what he needed, he had been happy but with some tumbles on his way, but he had to leave now. He knew that we wouldn’t forget him and all what he has done for us to touch our lives. He knew he would be remembered and that we would suffer his departure; but we’ve learned so much of him that those lessons would be never forgotten.
That morning I realized that he had left happy and with the sense of having ended his job down here. That’s when I felt tranquillity inside of me and ended thinking day and night of him, worried and sad.